I have made a decision to stop blogging for a while. I hope you all understand, this is just too painful for me at times. I hear your stories and feel your pain. I need to concentrate on me now for a while, as things here are, in my eyes, done. I may post in the future, I may not. I thank you all for your prayers, concerns, and other help that you have given me. I don't know why God is moving me in this direction, but I feel there must be a reason. I am very happy to have talked with you all, you have opened my eyes to many things. I am sorry I have to do it this way, sorry that it turned out this way. I tried my hardest to make this work, but now I realize there was never a chance at all from the start. If I don't post here again, I wish you all luck in all of your endeavors. May God stand with you.

Goodbye.

I am back home now, finishing my weekend away from her and the kids. It was a tough weekend for me, it gave me too much time to think. I was able to get out and see my sister and her family. They are very supportive of me and told me they would do anything they could to help me. But still, there they sit. The happy family that went through this and made it work. I couldn't help but be a little envious of them. They wanted it to work and made it work. I wanted mine to work and realize now that all my work was in vain. She NEVER wanted anything out of counseling except a route to divorce. Again, I feel betrayed. Like there was the tiniest glimmer of hope, but even that was a lie. I wonder how many lies there were in the past. How many things I didn't know about. Maybe none, maybe a truckload. Still, her actions make me hesitant to trust her on anything.

I want the pain to end. People tell me take it one day at a time...I can't. I keep thinking of my kids faces and wonder if i will see them when I get home, or if she took them. I wonder if I will lose custody and she will keep them from me. If she will take them out of state and not tell me where she is. I know at one point she has planned all of those. I such anger in me right now....but it must remain in check. I can't afford to lose it again, or it will be used against me......

Some things in life you take for granted until it's too late. I am guilty of this and perhaps that is partially to blame for the collapse of my marriage. I also did the same with my parents, and my sisters. I understand now, that if you love someone, you are there for them no matter what the circmstances. It is unconditional. It comes from the heart. My sisters and my parents have reached out to me throught this, despite my pushing them away through my depression. I never asked for their help, but they offered it and meant it. I truly realize what family love is now, and am sorry it took these events to make me realize what I have not seen all along.

I have some close friends who know what is going on (I haven't told many of them yet) and they too are offering support....but they don't know what they can do other than emotional support. I don't want to get emotional with them....so I just thank them. It's teh reaching out that I appreciate.

And then there is you. The friends I have never met. The people who can be brutally honest with no repercussions. You all, for the most part, have been very supportive. I have learned much from you all, realized things about myself and my wife that I never knew, thanks to your experiences. I realize that as bad as things are here, they could actually be much worse ( not that that changes the direction things are headed here) I thank you all. I hope that if there is ever anything I can do for you, you wold ask me. I am here for you as well. Thank you all.

I am off for the weekend, as it is her turn with the kids. I am very sad about this.....But things must move forward, and I realize that the direction is not always the one I want. That's life.

Please, if your marriage is at all healthy, realize what brought you two together. Do something special together for no reason. Appreciate each other.

Thanks.

Well another counseling session is over. The main talking point now is how to address our problems with the kids. I have to resist the temptation to be honest with them. To tell them I tried as hard as I could....and she didn't. Try not to tell them she betrayed me. Try not to tell them I offered forgiveness, but she didn't want it. I have been betrayed, my trust in people has been damaged. I've told her many times we need to address this in order to work out the aftermath of this....so I will be able to trust that she is actually going to do what she says....yet she always says 'you never said that until now'. What's done is done. What's over is over. I need to make sure the kids are in a good situation. If she can show me that I can trust her, we can work out an arrangement. If she can't it will get ugly. Yes, I actually said that last night. Is that too difficult to understand? she just wants everything, and keeps accusing me of things I never did. Continues to drag up the past.... I will probably never understand how she is thinking now, and I'm not sure I ever want to.

A friend of mine sent me this because they were worried for me....I don't know why but it saddened me greatly.

"Don't let the tide rise above your head. You have a little bit of a long road ahead of you, but you can do it. You have two very important motivations TO do it: your kids. If you cant do it for them, you need to do it for them.

Everyone, every single person on earth, is hurt when a relationship ends. It is the human condition. I know you are strong enough to do this on your own. Dont try and explain it from her side. Dont try and understand it from her side. Accept the path that has now been trodden and move forward- always keep your eyes forward, never looking back. Everything between you now is water under the bridge. No need for anger, or hatred, or anything other than contact for the kids' sakes."


I wish I could do that, I really do. I don't know that I am that strong....that I can. I am getting stronger, but I'm not there yet, I know. I have good things happening now, butI still feel the pain, the betrayal, the lies. I know I should just let go, but I can't yet.....I wonder what is wrong with me that I can't accept that it is over, I wonder if there isn't something else wrong with me at this point.

I try, I really do to break my mindset, but it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life....I can't seem to rise up and tackle this situation yet. Maybe I AM too weak, maybe I'm stubborn, maybe I'm stupid. I really don't know.

I wish I knew what God had in store for me, but I know that is not his way. I wish this was over with now, behind me, but it isn't. And I feel it could get uglier and more distressing too.

Please pray for me. Thank you